My 'heart' will go on...

A year. Minus one from the current year and you're back in time. Not really in time too, she left without saying a proper goodbye. Maybe she did, but I didn't. Not given a chance for a proper goodbye. She said goodbye on the day that I left for London in June and never spoke to me again since. I called and each time there was a different excuse "She's praying" "She's asleep" "She's in the bathroom" "She's not in the mood to talk". "Ok lah kalau cam tu, Bapak just tell her that I have got her favourite - the Aero chocolates in Mint, alright..?" "Yes I will"

Arrived home two Wednesdays later and rang them. Bapak said "Mum's sleeping"

"Ok just to say that I'm back, and why didn't you wait for me to come back as promised ? You said you'd wait for me to get in before going back home ?”

"Entah la, Mak hang nak balik sangat.."

Thursday

"Mak buat apa ?"

"Entah tadi dalam bathroom. Nak get ready nak pray. Dah lambat, tadi she was lying down kat sofa in front"

2:30pm Friday

"Erm Bapak ni.. your mother.. her breathing's not so good la I can see ni…. Kalau Emma free, boleh balik tak ? But don’t rush, I’ll see her progress in the next couple of hours, and I’ll let you know.. yer ?”

"Aha.. ni memang plan nak balik this evening. I'll clear up and leave earlier then. I'll call you to let you know when I'm leaving ok ? I'll get Aman to pack dulu"

"Ok. Bapak pun ni baru balik sembahyang Jumaat, tadi makEncik nak suap bubur kat Mak, she doesn't want to eat saying she is too tired. I'm going to try pulak"

"Ok. Mak kalau tak makan nanti lagi la letih kan"

2:45pm Friday SMS

"Atam where"

"On my way back to Taiping. just left KK"

"k. Bapak called, me go soon as i fin thgs in ofc. keep me posted k"

"Right. When I get there I let u know what's status"

"k. am going back anyway"

3:35pm Friday

"Emma... Bapak ni................"

"Yeeessss……. Bapaaaaaak………?"

"Mak hang.. your Mother..."

"Naper.. ? What is it, Bapak ?"

"Habih dah. Mak hang habih dah. Your mother... habih dah... 3:30pm tadi... Ok yer ? Bapak nak call Ayah Pa bagi tahu"

"Bapak, are you alright ? Are you ok ? Who is there with you ?"

"makEncik and Kak Teh are here with Mak. Aku call Pa dulu yer ? Ok yerr..?"

"Ok Bapak.... ok... yes.. Bapak pergi lah call Ayah Pa"

click…..

and all the held-back emotions during the last few bits of the conversation came pouring out. bewilderment. grief. loss. confusion. emptiness. shock. and the howling came as if from afar, from an alien being. I watched and heard myself as if detached, and didn't recognise me. Bapak was alone to manage things. Mak didn't want anyone else there. She waited for Bapak to come home from Friday prayers, and she said her goodbyes, only with her one beloved. The only one who mattered most to her. For her children there were no goodbyes, farewell, be good... She has said it to us all through her life.

"It is against (the order of) nature for a child to go first, and we have lost two.." you wailed to Bapak before..

Mak, your youngest child misses you. I have absolutely no one now, as you decided to follow Nyah. You did soooo want to go and have been asking the Almighty for this for the longest time. And you finally got your call.. you hasten to go before someone else’s number is called..

The pacemaker is still ticking in the ground. "It is good for about 20 years’ of use, providing the patient does not operate a jack-hammer, which would bring the battery life down to about 15 years’"