Maka?

atas nama kemajuan,
maruah digadaikan,
huru-hara diutamakan.
mana hilangnya sopan?
punah adab pertuturan,
keji menjadi sanjungan.

aku hairan.


sekian lama persahabatan,
asal usul tiada batasan,
kini jejas, dipersoalkan.
segelintir memberi alasan,
'collateral damage' efek perjuangan.
hak siapa yang kau juangkan?

aku geram.


jangan kau sentuh.
hubungan yang telus,
nan sekian lama berteguh,
mudah kah dilupus?

siapa yang diperbodohkan?
lembu dicucuk hidung hanya menurut kata
taksub diheret tuan
yang sendiri samar hala.

jangan bodohkan diri
mana akal fikiran dan hati?
tidak kah masih berfungsi?
tidak perlu kata keji
yang dilaung disana sini
tidak perlu ulangan aksi
mencela malam hingga ke pagi

perubahan boleh berlaku,
tapi dengan menghormati individu.

Sedih aku.



Emma Abdul Manaf * Tuesday 1345hrs May 7, 2013 * Subang One Soho

Many But None

I have words, many

But I am at a loss to say it right

I know what I want to say

But I fear it may come out wrong

I know what I need to say

But I fear it may sound too strong

To say that things will be alright

I don't really know for we haven't the sight

To offer the comfort of tomorrow

I can't guarantee we won't see sorrow

For once, I am subdued

My thoughts, confused

My speech, reduced

And I can only offer a slow smile

The hurt of today

I can't help but pray

That things will work out best, our way

And all I can say is it will take a while

Until the time when the words come out right

Until the time the pain subsides

We will continue to venture and explore

And through it all we will endure

We have to choose for how we tread

We are what we are from whence we were

From that distant past that we had shared

And through the all that brought us here

Emma Abdul Manaf • Kelana Jaya • 0920hrs Wednesday 16 January 2013

In Retrospect

And you wonder and wonder and wonder..
How much of it is true?
How much of it is really sincere?
Do they really care about you?

And I wonder and wonder and wonder..
And I wonder about you.


Emma Abdul Manaf • 1200hrs 08 January 2013. • Kelana Jaya

No Hellos, No Goodbyes :)

We won't have an end
We didn't have a start
Where was our beginning
We somehow skipped that part

What would we've become 
Where would we have been
It would be interesting
To know what we'd have seen

We just dropped into step
Together in this adventure
I don't know if there's an ending
I don't think we need to measure

We'll just progress along
Taking all within our stride
Some pain, happiness, longing
Joy, sadness and pride

All that we share is ours
And all that we extend
To all that is around us
A love will never end


Emma Abdul Manaf • Pantai, Bangsar • 1030hrs 29 December 2012

A prayer

It never is easy
To put on a front
That everything's rosy
That everything's fun

It never is simple
To keep a smile on your face
When someone's being feral
Without care or grace

It never is fine
When they just let things fly
And not toe the line
Yet expect you to comply

But I know in my heart
I will pursue
My faith is secure
My honour is true
My life in His hands
With His grace I endure
That I may go through life
With His blessings, forevermore


 ~ Have patience... You know who you are :) ~

Emma Abdul Manaf • Sunday 8 July 2012 0900hrs • Kelana Jaya

Tell her

Tell her

you miss the melody of her name
after all this while is she still the same
the girl who struck out on her own
venturing into the world unknown?

is she the same, you said you'd care for
'til end of time, forevermore
you'll cherish her, because you do
for eternity, you love her too?

you found her again, that's what you said
searched for years, you stayed to wait
for her to magically re-appear
into your life, to have her near

you loved, and missed her when she went
you pined for her, upon no end
but when she's here in flesh and soul
are you brave enough to meet and hold?

her hands, so soft, you remember well
but not to her, you never did tell
what was in your heart that time, before
she went away to the land of yore

is she still the one that you desired
the one whom you had so required
as partner to your beating heart
until the day that you depart?

if yes then tell her how you feel
however much you love her still
before she disappears again
and you would have loved her all in vain

another chance may not be present
to have a go at a slice of heaven
to tell her truly how much you care
and why for her, you'll always be there

tell her do, give her the news
just let her know, what's there to lose?
after all these years, you never told her
for all you know, she might just remember

how much to her your presence meant
when spending time together then
sharing laughter and the tears
amongst the sadness, the hopes, the fears

the feelings that she had for you
may have been what you felt then too
but since you never said a word
so off she went, free as a bird

so tell her now, while she is here
how much you care, and hold her dear
you never know what she will say
her answer might just brighten your day



Emma Aman Shah - Wed 27 April 2011 8:00pm
Edited Fri 29 April 9:00am

Simpler

Somehow I find rhyming to be simpler. I seem to dissolve into puisi, sajak, pantun, poems so much more these days. Signs of aging? Mellowing down?

Thoughts and feelings are much more spontaneous in this form somehow for me lately. Oh and cutting-n-pasting from FB is a big help hehehe

No matter how sometimes I feel that words fail me, they are the ones to the rescue all the time ! Bravo to the written words!

Smile people, and don't forget to breaaaaatttthhheeee :-)

Whimsy 1 and 2

1
ditimbang bawang kira sekati,
...bawa balik simpan dipara,
.....campur gula dibuat jeruk;

dibilang abang senang dihati,
...bila adik jadi gembira,
.....kenapa pula abang merajuk?

2

i thrill to analyse
..other's feelings and thoughts;
but i feel it's not wise,
..so, meddle i will not.

Whimsy 3

feel sad, oh for sure,
when thine heart is distant,
and that i endure,
though thou may be hesitant,
to let the past go,
and i be forgiven,
so new memories can grow,
and all sadness forgotten.

Mum, you would be proud soooo of me!

Dear Mum,

Am very sorry that I have not written for so long. Well you know lah, I prefer to “story” you directly, then I can add in all the sound effects and the drama gets better! But today I have to settle for just typing them down je lah. Not that I really have much of a choice anyway..

Saturday went quite well, I think, despite some misgivings. You will be proud to know that I behaved myself! And very well, I must say. Although there were times when I was really tempted to explode – who in their right minds would accept “Congratulations on your new Mum” when I already have one? New? Did we just buy her off a supermarket shelf or something ? You mean we can actually get NEW Mums? (I know that first-time mothers who had just given birth are called New Mums, but that’s a different story la kan) Hey, just because Dad has a new wife, that doesn’t automatically make her my NEW Mum. Hmm somehow it doesn’t sound right.. oh yeah, but I held my own and graciously replied with “Que sera Sera”….and a grin! I doubt that many would not understand that one, eh? Or understand it even.. hehehe

I took a really lonnnng time getting ready, dressing up for the event. Well, Dad wanted me to play hostess, as you know already, not that I kenal half the people there la kan, the people from the surrounding areas. Adik-beradiks I can do. Thankfully the ratio was like 1:10 with 10 being the number for adik-beradiks. Many of the family couldn’t make it, as coming from KL would be rather difficult and then nak balik pulak dah late night. Nak book hotel kat situ pun, you know lah the limitations kan. Dah la pulak Monday tu holiday, but Perak only! This part was where I was a bit sensitive when orang tanya.. eh apasal nak balik Ahad jugak? And I sweetly answered “Abis cucu kan semua kat KL.. Monday sekolah kan?”. And to the remark that “Laaaaa you look exactly like your Mum!” hehehe compliment tu, Mum, that made it pretty clear everybody remembers you, rest assured! Well, and THAT was also pretty much why I didn’t make an earlier appearance to greet the 400-odd guests! But then again, it DID too contribute to a much grander entrance hahaha.

I wore a black kebaya with gold-ish kerawang, with the gold diamond kerongsang, of course! Oh and kain batik with sequins (uggh. Yeah, I know, I know) Didn’t have time to ikat any of your batik lepas, I would have loved to have done that though. Then a lot more people would be shocked to see me (you). The kain batik that I wore was already sewn - I bought it ready made. I remember watching you ikat the batik lepas dulu whenever you were going out to a function with Dad.. the sanggul and then the kebaya pendek sulam. And how you used to scold me when I re-enacted you dressing up – doing up a French bun, pulling the sarong to tighten it and finally putting on the baju and the pins hahaha but you enjoyed my little dramas and over-acting, I know . Oh yes, before the baju was the eyeliner and lipstick. Last baru baju kebaya. And the corset-girdle or whatever it was called, too. I can only maintain the eyeliner – can’t leave, won’t leave home without it. After all, I have been wearing eyeliner since I could walk! I don’t need a security blanket or pacifier, eyeliners are more vogue! Oh and did I tell you someone asked if I was protesting, since I wore black? To which I replied, sweetly as always, “Oh this is so I can show off all of Mum’s old jewellery!” Hahaha. You really should have been around to see their faces. Splatt.

The DJ (yes, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why there was one as it was so inappropriate) started to spin and loudly commented on the ceremony, guests, lights, plates, food and everything under the sun, to which I promptly despatched Abang Atan (yay!!!) to go and silence him before I went to shut him up myself, with some violent actions! Anyway he went quiet but started up again when the lights died. Hmmm this time, I did go over and threatened to shoot his brains out if he was going to turn the event into a stupid circus. Well, that was what I WANTED to do, but I AM your very well-behaved daughter and was not about to create a scene; besides which I didn’t have a gun anyway. Bummer. Now THAT would have been fun!

So all in all I think it went quite well. The newbie was friendly; she wasn’t obtrusive at all and let me have my lights and glamour! Oh well, I knew some people were surprised that I had not kicked up a major fuss (apparently I was entitled to, what a waste that I did not know of it!), seeing that I was the only daughter left, the youngest in the family AND plus the fact that I had not met her until that evening itself! Oh well, in order to make the event move-flow-whatever, nicely, and to SHOW that I was sane in mind and knew perfectly what was going on around me, I told Dad I’d take charge of the moneys involved in the customary gift. And I worked very well within budget too, with a lot of help from some very good friends. (Remember my friends from school, Mum? The boarding school ones lah. The ones I was so engrossed with on the first day of school that I didn’t bother crying when you left me there, when you were bawling your eyes out driving away with Dad in the car.. hee hee sorry Mum) They are still a bunch of very good friends, my sisters, and I am proud to state that you also managed to have met them and enjoy their (then) silliness. Shhh, Mum, don’t tell them I said silly ok, but we were, back then, all of us, and fun to boot! You would be very pleased to know that my friends have all grown up to be fine ladies with professions to be proud of, they manage homes, families, companies, hospitals, the army, the internet, the traffic (both on the ground and in the air, mind you) and fight for what we believe is right. Excellent people, you know.. and they are MY friends !!!

Ooh, I started talking about the Newbie and I veered off towards my favourite subject, ME! Oh well, SHE is OK I guess, of course expectations are never one-sided. But you know Dad. What, 65 years? Hehehe you loved complaining to me about his negative traits, simply because you wanted to announce the fact that you have been together for sooooo very long. Don’t think I didn’t know that trick! I can always spot them from a mile off, remember ? And this is not just about Dad and us adjusting to her, it is also about her accepting us all as we are, as we always have been. It always has to work both ways, kan? Well, as I have been saying every time, “Que Sera Sera” (I also remember you singing that song). My take on this all is to ADD to memories and adventures of our family’s life, not to remove and replace. There is no replacement as there never can be. And to compete with something that has already been, is simply pointless. New expectations can be set, but of course within reason. Easier said than done, I know, but I think you do see my point kan? No need and reason for theatrics lah in this case, ye tak? Buang karan je nanti pun..

Err, Mum, my fingers are now rather sore from the typing... so I hope you don’t mind if I stop here for now. There are definitely a lot more I want to tell you about, but I would probably write another time. So for now, just rest assured that everything will be fine, so not to worry. It just needs a bit of adjustment and changing the status quo from denial.com to acceptance.com. Don’t worry if you think I’m not speaking proper English again, this is just me being playful. Which as always is what I enjoy when telling you stories. I miss doing that you know, telling you stories, exaggerating the scenarios, and hearing you and Nyah laughing and giggling your err, heads, off.. And I will be OK, Mum, InsyaAllah. Really. Don’t worry about me. Worst thing that can happen to me is that I’ll just simply have another nervous breakdown. Hahaha, that was a joke, Mum ! Relax will you?

Bye now, until next time, I love you!

My Birth Month Quiz

You know the many tests and quizzes on Facebook? They can get to you, yeah? Well I did another one.. this was fun - there were a few questions (if I could fail, I think I would have, ha ha ha) and then the results came out -- tadaaaaa! Here goes.. and I obviously could not resist responding in my own fashion. Itchy fingers. Go on.. read it and see if you think this fits me. I mean, the Quiz's evaluation..

So I’m a May child and after some of the pertinent questions.. (the image is a bit blurred tho')

wish wish wish

i wish i had the time to write a lot
i wish i had the time to write a bit more
i wish i had the time to write about the things i want to write about
i wish i wish i wish

Not content being a Gemini, I'm also ESFP !

I was curious and (re)took a new Personality type test. I'd taken one sometime in late 90's in order to find a job area that was best suited to my personality then. I can't exactly remember what the results of that test were, but I don't think it would have strayed much from what I am today.

So, the results ? I am an ESFP. What's that then ? Ok, I'm putting my results description of What and ESFP person is like. They share the same description with an ESTP person:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dominant Extraverted Sensing
ESTP & ESFP What is it like?
By Danielle Poirier
www.RebelEagle.com
© copyright Rebel Eagle Productions


Extraverted sensing types are pragmatic and realistic with a zest for living life to the fullest by way of multiplying experiences. Always on the alert for what needs immediate attention or what might provide a bit of action, excitement or entertainment, they engage quickly with their environment. They seek and enjoy freedom, are good-natured, direct, and tolerant and are often the ones who provide levity.

They have a way with dealing with people on a very equal platform and are not easily star struck. Rank, celebrity and status mean little when they are face to face with another individual.

On the job, they appreciate having the right tools and are quite ingenious at finding ways to fix and repair things with dexterity. They love variety and are curious and adventurous, enjoying the unexpected. Their brand of extraversion is one of deeds rather than words. As long as things are moving along, they are happy. They like to keep things simple and immediate, going with the flow. They are helpful in very concrete ways, providing the correct tools or specific service the person requires. They often have an uncanny ability to respond appropriately in cases of emergencies, often having excellent reflexes. They act without thinking. They also tend to have natural mediating skills.

They are attuned to the environment and the myriad colours, textures, sounds, beauty and the sensuousness of it all. They are quite graceful and agile while moving through their environment. They love having fun and if things are too quiet they may provide the entertainment or distraction. They learn by imitation and are keen observers. They teach through example. Their attention will always go towards whatever provides the keenest impression on their senses.



(You can access more info off the net if you Google with MBTI. I used the test result from the online test I took on Cognitive Style Inventory© most recent revision 12/12/06 - Ross Reinhold, INTJ www.PersonalityPathways.com. The information that I have put here is just a bit to introduce the idea)


(Another extract on a summary for what an ESFP person is like from http://www.capt.org/mbti-assessment/type-descriptions.htm)

ESFP

For ESFPs the dominant quality in their lives is their enthusiastic attention to the outer world of hands-on and real-life experiences.
ESFPs are excited by continuous involvement in new activities and new relationships. ESFPs also have a deep concern for people, and they show their caring in warm and pragmatic gestures of helping. ESFPs are typically energetic and adaptable realists, who prefer to experience and accept life rather than to judge or organize it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There you go. However, this of course does not define me as a whole ! There's still a lot to consider - the Gemini factor, the Wow! Factor (hahahaha), the alignment of the Moon and Stars when I was born, the Islamic Calendar date, the Gregorian Calendar date, Living and Growing environment, my Loves, Health, the Weather, the Feng Shui elements, and whatever Other Elements that a person is able to study and refer to. I am complicated and will always be. I will myself keep learning a new little bit of me everyday for as long as I live !

Come take my journey with me. Until I know who I truly am, bear with me !! :)

The Gemini Trail

Finding out Robert Ludlum was a Gemini, I went looking for a few more, and hopefully one that shared my birthday. I did a Google search and one of the sites that came up was this one -- http://www.dsexls.com/astrology-gemini-horoscope-and-famous-gemini-people.html

I can't believe this.. of the many famous Geminis listed below, not as many were born in the month of May compared to June. Of that small amount, only one shared my birthdate.. ONE ! and it has to be a political person at that ! I don't much fancy myself being in polictics, more of the drama queen.. obviously would prefer toshare my birthday with an artiste or a celebrity :D But then again, how many in that line would actually declare their birthdays ? ha ha ha So go on and enjoy the names below on some famous Geminis. I'll post some others that I can find lower down..

Famous Gemini People

Well-Known Personality Of Gemini Horoscope
Date Of Birth	Famous Gemini	Date Of Birth	Famous Gemini
22 May 1970 23 May 1933 24 May 1819 25 May 1969 25 May 1963 26 May 1907 27 May 1923 28 May 1968 28 May 1944 29 May 1903 29 May 1917 30 May 1964 31 May 1965 31 May 1930 01 June 1926 01 June 1973 01 June 1982 01 June 1926 02 June 1941 03 June 1926 04 June 1975 05 June 1956 06 June 1955	Naomi Campbell Joan Collins Queen Victoria Anne Heche Mike Myers John Wayne Henry Kissinger Kylie Minogue Rudy Giuliani Bob Hope John F. Kennedy Wynonna Judd Brooke Shields Clint Eastwood Andy Griffith Heidi Klum Justine Henin Marilyn Monroe Stacy Keach Allen Ginsberg Angelina Jolie Kenny G Sandra Bernhard	07 June 1981 07 June 1917 07 June 1940 08 June 1925 08 June 1983 08 June 1976 09 June 1961 10 June 1965 10 June 1921 11 June 1939 12 June 1924 13 June 1953 14 June 1946 14 June 1969 15 June 1964 16 June 1938 17 June 1946 17 June 1980 18 June 1942 19 June 1962 20 June 1949 20 June 1967 21 June 1935	Anna Kournikova Dean Martin Tom Jones Barbara Bush Kim Clijsters Lindsay Davenport Michael J. Fox Elizabeth Hurley Prince Philip Christina Crawford George Bush Tim Allen Donald Trump Steffi Graf Courtney Cox Joyce Carol Oates Barry Manilow Venus Williams Paul McCartney Paula Abdul Lionel Richie Nicole Kidman Francoise Sagan

I took this from the same site... obviously luuurrrvvvvvvvve the Positive Characteristics description :D

Positive Characteristics Of Gemini	Intellectual, Witty, Inquisitive, Intuitive, Affectionate, Courteous, Kind, Generous, Honest, Social, Eloquent, Brave, Humorous, Leadership, Broad-Minded, Diplomatic, Lively
Negative Characteristics Of Gemini	Temperamental, Fickle, Boastful, Quarrelsome, Arrogant, Devious, Manipulative, Two Faced, Argumentative, Restless, Childish, Indecisive, Nervous, Insensitive, Inconsistent, Cunning
Ideal Careers For Gemini	Acting, Comedian, Teacher, Debater, Broadcaster, Travel Agent, Sales Person, Diplomats, Authors, Poets, Journalists, Lawyers
Gemini Ideal Partners	Gemini, Libra, Aquarius
Gemini Compatible Signs	Gemini, Aries, Leo, Sagittarius, Libra, Aquarius

Other famous Geminis
and not forgetting -- May 25, 1927 - Robert Ludlum

May 24, 1944 - Patti Labelle - Singer
May 24, 1955 - Roseanne Cash - Singer
May 25, 1567 - Claudio Monteverdi - Composer
May 25, 1803 - Ralph Waldo Emerson - Writer
May 25, 1899 - Gene Tunney - Pugilist
May 25, 1898 - Bennet Cerf - Writer
May 26, 1867 - Queen Mary - England Royalty
May 26, 1920 - Peggie Lee - Singer
May 26, 1948 - Stevie Nicks - Singer
May 26, 1923 - James Arness - Actor
May 27, 1878 - Isadora Duncan - Dancer
May 27, 1907 - Rachel Carson - Scientist/Activist
May 27, 1911 - Hubert Humphrey - Politician
May 27, 1911 - Vincent Price - Actor
May 27, 1922 - Christopher Lee - Actor
May 27, 1923 - Henry Kissinger - Statesman
May 27, 1937 - Louis Gossett, Jr - Actor
May 28, 1908 - Ian Flemming - Writer
May 28, 1934 - The Dionne quintuplets - Famous Children
May 28, 1944 - Gladys Knight - Singer
May 28, 1947 - Sondra Locke - Actress
May 29, 1903 - Bobe Hope - Comdian
May 29, 1917 - John F. Kennedy - American President
May 29, 1958 - Annette Benning - Actress
May 30, 1474 - Albrecht Durer - Artist
May 30, 1908 - Mel Blanc - Cartoon Voices
May 30, 1964 - Wynona Judd - Singer
May 31, 1898 - Norman Vincent Peale - Clergyman
May 31, 1923 - Prince Rainier III - Royalty
May 31, 1930 - Clint Eastwood - Actor
May 31, 1943 - Joe Namath - Sports Figure
May 31, 1950 - Gregory Harrison - Actor

Andra and The Backbone - Sempurna

My Sweetheart usually comes to mind when I sing this.. or is it the other way around ?


Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Ungu - Tercipta Untukku

Love this song. The lyrics are beautiful..


Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuatku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya citra terindah
Bila kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata yang tak mampu
Kuungkapkan kepada dirimu...

Aku ingin engkau selalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Di setiap langkah yang menyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku

Sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau selalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Di setiap langkah yang menyakiniku
Kau tercipta untukku

Pasti waktu akan mampu
Memanggil seluruh ragaku
Ku ingin kau tahu ku selalu milikmu
Yang mencintaimu
Sepanjang hidupku..

I never asked for this

Why must we have to keep painful secrets ?

Why must we have our own skeletons in the closet ?

Why must we hurt in silence ?

Why must we endure all this pain ?

Why must we go through all this sadness ?

Why must we tolerate all this pressure ?

Why must we be calm in the face of all this tumult ?

Why must we be sensible and deal with all the introduced mayhem ?

Why must we understand all this confusion ?

Why must we be victims of other people’s blunders ?

Why must we suffer all this just to grow into better people ?

Why am I required to seek professional help in order for me to cope with the stress from all the problems that I never signed up for in the first place ?

Why ? WHY ? W H Y ???

Abscess in the abyss

Feeling tired, depressed and down. My body is hurting.

"I think it's psychological, Doc. The way I'm feeling now is manifesting in my body as aches and pains. Problem is, I recognise it, but how do I tell it to go away?"
"No lah.. you have a genuine case of pain, else you wouldn't be coming to see me. I know it's not for an MC because you know I don't give them out especially to you ! Ha ha"
"Errrr... yer la tu.. you did give me an MC the last time I came, kan.. you forced me to take 2 days off"
"Oh yes, tapi yang itu was because you were in great pain"
"So now in not-so-great pain la kot ?"
"Ha ha... now I'm giving you Arcoxia for your frozen shoulder"
"Frozen shoulder tu amenda nye ? I tau frozen lamb je la Doc"
"Ish.. you ni. Your condition is called frozen shoulder. And it's affecting you at the joints as well where you feel the other pain"
"Yeah given my previous record, I thought I'd come to see you. Just in case it was coming back"
"Record mana ni ?"
"Yang kes abyss in my upper torso tu la..."
"Abyss apa ? Tu Abscess lah !"
"Alamak... ok Doc... he he he yer, yer.. abscess"

So I'm cleared of any abscess in the abyss problems for the moment. Have been told to exercise my shoulder gently and put heat compress on the area. Adoi. Still sakit even after the Arcoxia.


So to cheer myself up, I went to lunch in SACC mall. Tapi tak habis pun. Tak lalu nak makan bila ingat kan issue lain yang even more depressing. Oh well. I cleaned out the mushrooms and chicken in the pie, and left the pastry shell and fries. I finished the veges. The freshly prepared Orange juice was good. It helped to cheer me up a bit.

My 'heart' will go on...

A year. Minus one from the current year and you're back in time. Not really in time too, she left without saying a proper goodbye. Maybe she did, but I didn't. Not given a chance for a proper goodbye. She said goodbye on the day that I left for London in June and never spoke to me again since. I called and each time there was a different excuse "She's praying" "She's asleep" "She's in the bathroom" "She's not in the mood to talk". "Ok lah kalau cam tu, Bapak just tell her that I have got her favourite - the Aero chocolates in Mint, alright..?" "Yes I will"

Arrived home two Wednesdays later and rang them. Bapak said "Mum's sleeping"

"Ok just to say that I'm back, and why didn't you wait for me to come back as promised ? You said you'd wait for me to get in before going back home ?”

"Entah la, Mak hang nak balik sangat.."

Thursday

"Mak buat apa ?"

"Entah tadi dalam bathroom. Nak get ready nak pray. Dah lambat, tadi she was lying down kat sofa in front"

2:30pm Friday

"Erm Bapak ni.. your mother.. her breathing's not so good la I can see ni…. Kalau Emma free, boleh balik tak ? But don’t rush, I’ll see her progress in the next couple of hours, and I’ll let you know.. yer ?”

"Aha.. ni memang plan nak balik this evening. I'll clear up and leave earlier then. I'll call you to let you know when I'm leaving ok ? I'll get Aman to pack dulu"

"Ok. Bapak pun ni baru balik sembahyang Jumaat, tadi makEncik nak suap bubur kat Mak, she doesn't want to eat saying she is too tired. I'm going to try pulak"

"Ok. Mak kalau tak makan nanti lagi la letih kan"

2:45pm Friday SMS

"Atam where"

"On my way back to Taiping. just left KK"

"k. Bapak called, me go soon as i fin thgs in ofc. keep me posted k"

"Right. When I get there I let u know what's status"

"k. am going back anyway"

3:35pm Friday

"Emma... Bapak ni................"

"Yeeessss……. Bapaaaaaak………?"

"Mak hang.. your Mother..."

"Naper.. ? What is it, Bapak ?"

"Habih dah. Mak hang habih dah. Your mother... habih dah... 3:30pm tadi... Ok yer ? Bapak nak call Ayah Pa bagi tahu"

"Bapak, are you alright ? Are you ok ? Who is there with you ?"

"makEncik and Kak Teh are here with Mak. Aku call Pa dulu yer ? Ok yerr..?"

"Ok Bapak.... ok... yes.. Bapak pergi lah call Ayah Pa"

click…..

and all the held-back emotions during the last few bits of the conversation came pouring out. bewilderment. grief. loss. confusion. emptiness. shock. and the howling came as if from afar, from an alien being. I watched and heard myself as if detached, and didn't recognise me. Bapak was alone to manage things. Mak didn't want anyone else there. She waited for Bapak to come home from Friday prayers, and she said her goodbyes, only with her one beloved. The only one who mattered most to her. For her children there were no goodbyes, farewell, be good... She has said it to us all through her life.

"It is against (the order of) nature for a child to go first, and we have lost two.." you wailed to Bapak before..

Mak, your youngest child misses you. I have absolutely no one now, as you decided to follow Nyah. You did soooo want to go and have been asking the Almighty for this for the longest time. And you finally got your call.. you hasten to go before someone else’s number is called..

The pacemaker is still ticking in the ground. "It is good for about 20 years’ of use, providing the patient does not operate a jack-hammer, which would bring the battery life down to about 15 years’"

Another favourite pastime..

Online shopping !  JCPenney is now in Malaysia! Online, of course.  The prices are great, but here's the killer.. the freight charges. They apparently ship the items out from the Asian Warehouse.. in the US !  Humppfff ! the freight can actually cost more than the items.  Why can't they just have it ride on the Singapore-bound shipment ? Or just divert stuff from JCP in Singapore ? It's so much less hassle and transport.

I'm complaining so much cos I've got my eye on their Extra-Deep King Size Luxurious Sheets..  I have sooo much trouble getting decent fitted sheets for my bed here from KL. and I am never too keen to carry extra weight home whenever we go abroad.  I'll have a think-through. If I really want them now, then maybe yes, I'll just have to bear the cost then.

Ok.. if you feel like browsing, it's www.JCPenney.com.my

too-da-loo!