Many Once-upon-a-times

Would have been wishing you

Blessings in abundance

 A joyous event

  A new year

   A new number

And you would have wished me earlier

Many Once-upon-a-times

No more

But I remember

And I miss you

Emma Abdul Manaf * 00:13hrs Friday 7 June 2013 * Kelana Jaya

Wait a while, Papa

"Where are they, my daughter?"
Your eyes softly question
"Why are they not here?
Have they already forgotten?"

"They will come, Papa dear,
Be here soon, they ought to,
For now you have me near,
To love and care for you"

"Do they already know,
That a part of my journey has begun?
I really have to go,
Before the setting of the sun"

"Wait a while, Papa,
They are near,
Wait just a little while, please Papa,
They will be here"

"Give them 20 more minutes,
And I promise you,
They'll be here in a bit,
My words are really true"

And wait you did do
For them to appear
By your side to bid you
And bring you cheer

Gratified that I was
You granted my plea
Not realising, alas
The last, it was to be

No more can I ask of you
Even if we do not so will it
Nothing more on you to do 
Your minutes with us replete

And with Bismillah and Shahadah
We had to let you go
To fulfill your promise to Allah
We can wait not a second more

Your journey through life
Filled with faith and honour
Integrity, honesty, against strife
Our model forevermore

Not yet five years had passed
I'm still learning to hope
That grieving won't last
Now I must learn to cope

All that I can offer now, Papa
Are my prayers for your well-being
May you be granted Jannah
InsyaAllah, with all His blessings


Emma Abdul Manaf • Wed Mar 13, 2013 2100hrs • Kelana Jaya

I see you

Can I just run away?

To where the skies are never black or grey,

..where the sun shines just slight,

..neither too dull nor too bright..

Can I then just be,

..allowed to dance and smile happily,

..with no cares and no sorrow,

..and no worries of tomorrow?

But then, all will be in vain,

..when the heart still feels pain.

For sad memories and time,

..can never be erased with rhyme

Your life contribution, they still cling,

..as attestation to your being,

- A confirmation of your presence.

- A proof of your essence.

As yet again,

..with a sigh...

I see your shadow in the light

..I hear your silence in the riotous noise

But when I look to see and listen to hear,

you are far, and nowhere near

Emma Abdul Manaf - started 10:07pm Mar 8, completed 3:36pm Wed, Mar 13 2013 - Subang Jaya

Safe Journey, Bapak

27 October 1922 - 11 February 2013
90 years, 3 months, 16 days

You said after 83, every year earned was a further bonus.
Alhamdulillah for the opportunity from Allah.

I love you, Bapak. Thank you.

In Memory

When I awake to see
That you are no more with me
And then strikes harsh the reality
Of you, now just a memory
Beautiful faces, beautiful places
A heart to gratify, I think of days gone by

 ~in memory of Mak 6 July 2007~
 Emma Abdul Manaf ~ 5 July 2012 1000hrs ~ Kelana Jaya

Out of sight..

:
Are thoughts erased, or merely replaced?
Are memories lost, or simply forgotten?
Or do we only remember when we are faced
With situations, jolting one to awaken?

Nought i know why, you, I could'nt find
On that day, long ago, i can't recall
You slipped from me, my being, my mind
'Til in my trance I heard you call
My name, so sweet the sound, tho' just a whisper
But with enough soul to make me remember..

5th January 2011

Today is 24th November 2010 and I miss you

It saddens me when I'm not even able to tell you that I miss you

I miss your company while I drive
I miss your laughing at my silly jokes
I miss you humoring my tall tales
I miss cheering you up
I miss you feeding me stupid ideas
I miss you getting me to do crazy things
I miss getting you things you want
I miss buying you things you don't need
I miss you light up when you see me coming
I miss trying to decipher your otherwise unintelligible text messages
I miss understanding what you're trying to say when you use absolutely ridiculous words
I miss you loving me unconditionally
I miss you I miss you I miss you

24th November 2010 at 11:55pm

Senses

i feel..
the breeze gently caressing
and leaves fall slowly
making way for the serenity of a new day

i see..
the sun shining forth
when the moon will glow
and there is the coolness of the evening

i hear..
the birds busily chirping
welcoming the night
when all will be at rest

i sense..
the flow of the rhythm changing
the beats rapidly dispersing
and the emptiness set in

i long..
for the days gone by
when love, joy and laughter abound
for i may no longer share all these with you

Hooray !! Ramadhan is here !

Oh yay yippee !!  Ramadhan is here again after a much-awaited lonnnnnng wait (hahaha repeat and d*mn yourself - pardon me, I didn't just swear, did I ?)  After a whole year of waiting, the fasting month is back !  Ooh the lovely things that can happen in Ramadhan - and I am NOT talking about the food okay.  It is a month of miracles, prayer and hope.  Lots of ibadah int he form of tarawikh sessions, encouraging yourself to do more good deeds and generally promote brother/sisterhood "ikhwah" with your actions.  It is also a bit sad again, as the family is going through this month a second time without Mum and Sis.  I can still hear Mum saying every EidlFitr morning "I wonder if I will live long enough to see another Ramadhan...  I hope Allah will grant me that"  and no she and Sis didn't get to greet Ramadhan last year, as they had fulfilled their promise of their time with us, with all the extensions of delay given.

My children are all observing the fast, each in their own way.   I hope they fulfill their obligations to the fullest of their capacity.  Two are spending the month away - my Sweetheart is working away (and they don't start until Tuesday), and the Pilot is now in Miri.  Called him last night to remind him of Today being THE day and he said yeah, he'd heard the announcement over the TV.  Today is also a Public Holiday as the Malaysia National Day 31st August was a Sunday. We get a replacement Public Holiday on Monday which is good !  The kids get to sleep in :)

Abtief is strong - he's a pro now, all of 10 years old.  They all started at the 7th year - when at school in Primary 1. Full month, mind you, not the "yangyuk" kind where "tengahari bukak periuk" (half-day fast)  And this would be Adik's 2nd year of full fast, he was quite eagerly reciting the duaas and niyahs for starting a fast.  KakDa reminded him that it's in the heart that matters most - so even if you "lafaz" recite it wrong (in arabic) you get it right in your heart with the intent.

This is also the first formal puasa month to be observed by my friend Nur Iman Irdina... All my best to her in her new life. 

So today we will also see a hive of activity at the Pasar Ramadhan just 7 minute's walk from home.  All the lovely goodies that will be displayed for breaking of fast. The vendors must be pretty busy today, and people will start coming early as today is a Rest Day and many are excited.  There will be a lot of people a usual, and many would be the Non-Muslims who also look forward to the Pasar Ramadhan every year as this is their opportunity to sample some of the food and goodies that are not available otherwise.  This is the unique Malaysian food galore !   

Oh well, we'll see what we'll have today. I plan to limit to purchasing just 3 items - 1 dish, 1 savoury and 1 sweet.  We shall see how that plan stays true...

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan alMubarak !!  greetings for another brilliant month of Ramadhan from me..

Durian oh Durian

I have always loved durian. Eaten fresh from the kulit, with santan and nasi, buat kuah pengat durian with santan and gula melaka.. Yum !! Also like durian ice cream and the cake variant. Teringat when I was about 7, went to my neighbour's birthday party. Came home gushing to Mum about how lovelythe cake was - durian cake ! Mum called up Auntie S and asked her for the recipe and baked me one - but I said it tasted different, and it wasn't the same one. Well it obviously was not THE same one !

Had some durian last night, Zahir wanted to eat the last one that we had and he got makcik to open it up. He finished the last piece just as Abtif asked for his ! Ouch.... And Adik said he had not had any either.. hee hee so told Zahir to drive out to the main road near the masjid to buy some more, and to ajak Tok to pick. Off they went and brought home 4 big ones. And he returned me the Rm50 I had given him - Tok belanja durian tonight!

2 of the durians were still young, kulit still hijau and tak nampak pun the belah yet.. so it was the pisau for them. That's when i got my durian thumb - got poked by the thorn of the big one. My bad - i should have 'smacked' the torns down earlier before attempting to open any of it.. but the durian flesh was yummy ! no 'gas' though, these were the siamese variety. The Malaysian ones would be more 'gassy' = yummy ! So Bapak had his fill of durian with rice - made some santan for him and he added a sprinkle of sugar to go with it. And malam ? He cannot tidor because too 'panas' hahaha I made sure I had some water in the 'kulit' durian - put drinking water into the skin cavity where the durian flesh used to be, and drink the water. This is a 'petua' ( loosely translated as 'wise action as practiced by the elders and handed down as advice') for reducing the heatiness in the body caused by eating durian.

My 'heart' will go on...

A year. Minus one from the current year and you're back in time. Not really in time too, she left without saying a proper goodbye. Maybe she did, but I didn't. Not given a chance for a proper goodbye. She said goodbye on the day that I left for London in June and never spoke to me again since. I called and each time there was a different excuse "She's praying" "She's asleep" "She's in the bathroom" "She's not in the mood to talk". "Ok lah kalau cam tu, Bapak just tell her that I have got her favourite - the Aero chocolates in Mint, alright..?" "Yes I will"

Arrived home two Wednesdays later and rang them. Bapak said "Mum's sleeping"

"Ok just to say that I'm back, and why didn't you wait for me to come back as promised ? You said you'd wait for me to get in before going back home ?”

"Entah la, Mak hang nak balik sangat.."

Thursday

"Mak buat apa ?"

"Entah tadi dalam bathroom. Nak get ready nak pray. Dah lambat, tadi she was lying down kat sofa in front"

2:30pm Friday

"Erm Bapak ni.. your mother.. her breathing's not so good la I can see ni…. Kalau Emma free, boleh balik tak ? But don’t rush, I’ll see her progress in the next couple of hours, and I’ll let you know.. yer ?”

"Aha.. ni memang plan nak balik this evening. I'll clear up and leave earlier then. I'll call you to let you know when I'm leaving ok ? I'll get Aman to pack dulu"

"Ok. Bapak pun ni baru balik sembahyang Jumaat, tadi makEncik nak suap bubur kat Mak, she doesn't want to eat saying she is too tired. I'm going to try pulak"

"Ok. Mak kalau tak makan nanti lagi la letih kan"

2:45pm Friday SMS

"Atam where"

"On my way back to Taiping. just left KK"

"k. Bapak called, me go soon as i fin thgs in ofc. keep me posted k"

"Right. When I get there I let u know what's status"

"k. am going back anyway"

3:35pm Friday

"Emma... Bapak ni................"

"Yeeessss……. Bapaaaaaak………?"

"Mak hang.. your Mother..."

"Naper.. ? What is it, Bapak ?"

"Habih dah. Mak hang habih dah. Your mother... habih dah... 3:30pm tadi... Ok yer ? Bapak nak call Ayah Pa bagi tahu"

"Bapak, are you alright ? Are you ok ? Who is there with you ?"

"makEncik and Kak Teh are here with Mak. Aku call Pa dulu yer ? Ok yerr..?"

"Ok Bapak.... ok... yes.. Bapak pergi lah call Ayah Pa"

click…..

and all the held-back emotions during the last few bits of the conversation came pouring out. bewilderment. grief. loss. confusion. emptiness. shock. and the howling came as if from afar, from an alien being. I watched and heard myself as if detached, and didn't recognise me. Bapak was alone to manage things. Mak didn't want anyone else there. She waited for Bapak to come home from Friday prayers, and she said her goodbyes, only with her one beloved. The only one who mattered most to her. For her children there were no goodbyes, farewell, be good... She has said it to us all through her life.

"It is against (the order of) nature for a child to go first, and we have lost two.." you wailed to Bapak before..

Mak, your youngest child misses you. I have absolutely no one now, as you decided to follow Nyah. You did soooo want to go and have been asking the Almighty for this for the longest time. And you finally got your call.. you hasten to go before someone else’s number is called..

The pacemaker is still ticking in the ground. "It is good for about 20 years’ of use, providing the patient does not operate a jack-hammer, which would bring the battery life down to about 15 years’"

Not short by any standards...

Ha ha... my friend just asked me about my blogger page..  And I had to say 'I have one ?' and asked HIM for the address !  Pretty lame is it not ?  Oh well, here I am again, finally.

I originally started this blog in October 2007, as a means of releasing my tensed thoughts and feelings. I had lost my sister - my only one - finally succumbing to cancer on May 12,2007,  and then mum decided she wanted to go along with her. She waited for dad to come home from Friday prayers before telling her heart to stop working.  Leaving me as the sole female of the family.  My dad sorely misses them both, and I make matters worse by not calling him up as often as he would like !  But I have my days, too. Days where i simply cannot bear to talk to anyone as it reminds me too much of times gone by.

I still ache at the thought of not being able to call them up and chat on my way to and from work.  I actually got myself a pretty expensive toy - a bluetooth headset so that i can easily chat with them on the phone while driving.  Sis would be in the morning - if I don't call her by 7:45am, she will call to and demand to know why I'm not yet on the way to work.  Mum's session will be at the end of the day, after work where I'll be updating her on the latest office gossip... and what my sis and I talked about in the morning !   She'll ask without fail as to why I'm still on the road, when it's past dinner time.  I usually make it a point to talk in theatrics, they love it and take it for what it was, embellishments of actual stories.

It's funny to have to talk of them in the past tense..  I still don't refer to them with the customary prefix of 'Aruah' (Departed) Mak or 'Aruah' Nyah... it's too weird.  It's a long way from that October, when I could barely speak of them without breaking down uncontrollably, I still have those moments.  Now I don't break down, but my heart just aches terribly every time I speak of them.

Trying to move on, and trying to start a blog with lots of non-sensical issues !  But there will be moments like these, definitely, where I will need to let my fingers express my thought and feelings. Until then, there it is !