In Memory

When I awake to see
That you are no more with me
And then strikes harsh the reality
Of you, now just a memory
Beautiful faces, beautiful places
A heart to gratify, I think of days gone by

 ~in memory of Mak 6 July 2007~
 Emma Abdul Manaf ~ 5 July 2012 1000hrs ~ Kelana Jaya

good nite, peaceful nite

Emma Aman Shah on Monday, 21 February 2011 at 23:32

I haven't written for a while
But thoughts of you still make me smile
Remembering how, out of the blue
You'd send me out on an errand for you

Sometimes it'd be as simple as
Drop by pasar tani, get you lemongrass
Even if I had no intention of going
Refuse you I couldn't 'cos you needed it for cooking!

Either for masak pindang or asam pedas
It'll be something you do with zass
I'll always miss the asam pedas ikan merah
You cooked for me, soon as I'd jejak tanah

Knowing I'd wanted yours when I expecting
So far away when I was studying
You made it for me so I wont mengidam
Even though by then, the baby had come!

Oh memories of you make my heart sigh
The thought that already we said goodbye
I suppose the medication is partly to blame
Putting me in this state, making me call your name

There, of course, will be no answer
'Cos you are gone from me forever
But magically, some consolation for my heart
The bitter sweet remembrance of our being apart

Rest in peace, my darling sister
You were missed greatly by our mother
May she too rest in absolute contentment
I pray you both, together blessed in heaven

Mum, you would be proud soooo of me!

Dear Mum,

Am very sorry that I have not written for so long. Well you know lah, I prefer to “story” you directly, then I can add in all the sound effects and the drama gets better! But today I have to settle for just typing them down je lah. Not that I really have much of a choice anyway..

Saturday went quite well, I think, despite some misgivings. You will be proud to know that I behaved myself! And very well, I must say. Although there were times when I was really tempted to explode – who in their right minds would accept “Congratulations on your new Mum” when I already have one? New? Did we just buy her off a supermarket shelf or something ? You mean we can actually get NEW Mums? (I know that first-time mothers who had just given birth are called New Mums, but that’s a different story la kan) Hey, just because Dad has a new wife, that doesn’t automatically make her my NEW Mum. Hmm somehow it doesn’t sound right.. oh yeah, but I held my own and graciously replied with “Que sera Sera”….and a grin! I doubt that many would not understand that one, eh? Or understand it even.. hehehe

I took a really lonnnng time getting ready, dressing up for the event. Well, Dad wanted me to play hostess, as you know already, not that I kenal half the people there la kan, the people from the surrounding areas. Adik-beradiks I can do. Thankfully the ratio was like 1:10 with 10 being the number for adik-beradiks. Many of the family couldn’t make it, as coming from KL would be rather difficult and then nak balik pulak dah late night. Nak book hotel kat situ pun, you know lah the limitations kan. Dah la pulak Monday tu holiday, but Perak only! This part was where I was a bit sensitive when orang tanya.. eh apasal nak balik Ahad jugak? And I sweetly answered “Abis cucu kan semua kat KL.. Monday sekolah kan?”. And to the remark that “Laaaaa you look exactly like your Mum!” hehehe compliment tu, Mum, that made it pretty clear everybody remembers you, rest assured! Well, and THAT was also pretty much why I didn’t make an earlier appearance to greet the 400-odd guests! But then again, it DID too contribute to a much grander entrance hahaha.

I wore a black kebaya with gold-ish kerawang, with the gold diamond kerongsang, of course! Oh and kain batik with sequins (uggh. Yeah, I know, I know) Didn’t have time to ikat any of your batik lepas, I would have loved to have done that though. Then a lot more people would be shocked to see me (you). The kain batik that I wore was already sewn - I bought it ready made. I remember watching you ikat the batik lepas dulu whenever you were going out to a function with Dad.. the sanggul and then the kebaya pendek sulam. And how you used to scold me when I re-enacted you dressing up – doing up a French bun, pulling the sarong to tighten it and finally putting on the baju and the pins hahaha but you enjoyed my little dramas and over-acting, I know . Oh yes, before the baju was the eyeliner and lipstick. Last baru baju kebaya. And the corset-girdle or whatever it was called, too. I can only maintain the eyeliner – can’t leave, won’t leave home without it. After all, I have been wearing eyeliner since I could walk! I don’t need a security blanket or pacifier, eyeliners are more vogue! Oh and did I tell you someone asked if I was protesting, since I wore black? To which I replied, sweetly as always, “Oh this is so I can show off all of Mum’s old jewellery!” Hahaha. You really should have been around to see their faces. Splatt.

The DJ (yes, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why there was one as it was so inappropriate) started to spin and loudly commented on the ceremony, guests, lights, plates, food and everything under the sun, to which I promptly despatched Abang Atan (yay!!!) to go and silence him before I went to shut him up myself, with some violent actions! Anyway he went quiet but started up again when the lights died. Hmmm this time, I did go over and threatened to shoot his brains out if he was going to turn the event into a stupid circus. Well, that was what I WANTED to do, but I AM your very well-behaved daughter and was not about to create a scene; besides which I didn’t have a gun anyway. Bummer. Now THAT would have been fun!

So all in all I think it went quite well. The newbie was friendly; she wasn’t obtrusive at all and let me have my lights and glamour! Oh well, I knew some people were surprised that I had not kicked up a major fuss (apparently I was entitled to, what a waste that I did not know of it!), seeing that I was the only daughter left, the youngest in the family AND plus the fact that I had not met her until that evening itself! Oh well, in order to make the event move-flow-whatever, nicely, and to SHOW that I was sane in mind and knew perfectly what was going on around me, I told Dad I’d take charge of the moneys involved in the customary gift. And I worked very well within budget too, with a lot of help from some very good friends. (Remember my friends from school, Mum? The boarding school ones lah. The ones I was so engrossed with on the first day of school that I didn’t bother crying when you left me there, when you were bawling your eyes out driving away with Dad in the car.. hee hee sorry Mum) They are still a bunch of very good friends, my sisters, and I am proud to state that you also managed to have met them and enjoy their (then) silliness. Shhh, Mum, don’t tell them I said silly ok, but we were, back then, all of us, and fun to boot! You would be very pleased to know that my friends have all grown up to be fine ladies with professions to be proud of, they manage homes, families, companies, hospitals, the army, the internet, the traffic (both on the ground and in the air, mind you) and fight for what we believe is right. Excellent people, you know.. and they are MY friends !!!

Ooh, I started talking about the Newbie and I veered off towards my favourite subject, ME! Oh well, SHE is OK I guess, of course expectations are never one-sided. But you know Dad. What, 65 years? Hehehe you loved complaining to me about his negative traits, simply because you wanted to announce the fact that you have been together for sooooo very long. Don’t think I didn’t know that trick! I can always spot them from a mile off, remember ? And this is not just about Dad and us adjusting to her, it is also about her accepting us all as we are, as we always have been. It always has to work both ways, kan? Well, as I have been saying every time, “Que Sera Sera” (I also remember you singing that song). My take on this all is to ADD to memories and adventures of our family’s life, not to remove and replace. There is no replacement as there never can be. And to compete with something that has already been, is simply pointless. New expectations can be set, but of course within reason. Easier said than done, I know, but I think you do see my point kan? No need and reason for theatrics lah in this case, ye tak? Buang karan je nanti pun..

Err, Mum, my fingers are now rather sore from the typing... so I hope you don’t mind if I stop here for now. There are definitely a lot more I want to tell you about, but I would probably write another time. So for now, just rest assured that everything will be fine, so not to worry. It just needs a bit of adjustment and changing the status quo from denial.com to acceptance.com. Don’t worry if you think I’m not speaking proper English again, this is just me being playful. Which as always is what I enjoy when telling you stories. I miss doing that you know, telling you stories, exaggerating the scenarios, and hearing you and Nyah laughing and giggling your err, heads, off.. And I will be OK, Mum, InsyaAllah. Really. Don’t worry about me. Worst thing that can happen to me is that I’ll just simply have another nervous breakdown. Hahaha, that was a joke, Mum ! Relax will you?

Bye now, until next time, I love you!

Durian oh Durian

I have always loved durian. Eaten fresh from the kulit, with santan and nasi, buat kuah pengat durian with santan and gula melaka.. Yum !! Also like durian ice cream and the cake variant. Teringat when I was about 7, went to my neighbour's birthday party. Came home gushing to Mum about how lovelythe cake was - durian cake ! Mum called up Auntie S and asked her for the recipe and baked me one - but I said it tasted different, and it wasn't the same one. Well it obviously was not THE same one !

Had some durian last night, Zahir wanted to eat the last one that we had and he got makcik to open it up. He finished the last piece just as Abtif asked for his ! Ouch.... And Adik said he had not had any either.. hee hee so told Zahir to drive out to the main road near the masjid to buy some more, and to ajak Tok to pick. Off they went and brought home 4 big ones. And he returned me the Rm50 I had given him - Tok belanja durian tonight!

2 of the durians were still young, kulit still hijau and tak nampak pun the belah yet.. so it was the pisau for them. That's when i got my durian thumb - got poked by the thorn of the big one. My bad - i should have 'smacked' the torns down earlier before attempting to open any of it.. but the durian flesh was yummy ! no 'gas' though, these were the siamese variety. The Malaysian ones would be more 'gassy' = yummy ! So Bapak had his fill of durian with rice - made some santan for him and he added a sprinkle of sugar to go with it. And malam ? He cannot tidor because too 'panas' hahaha I made sure I had some water in the 'kulit' durian - put drinking water into the skin cavity where the durian flesh used to be, and drink the water. This is a 'petua' ( loosely translated as 'wise action as practiced by the elders and handed down as advice') for reducing the heatiness in the body caused by eating durian.

My 'heart' will go on...

A year. Minus one from the current year and you're back in time. Not really in time too, she left without saying a proper goodbye. Maybe she did, but I didn't. Not given a chance for a proper goodbye. She said goodbye on the day that I left for London in June and never spoke to me again since. I called and each time there was a different excuse "She's praying" "She's asleep" "She's in the bathroom" "She's not in the mood to talk". "Ok lah kalau cam tu, Bapak just tell her that I have got her favourite - the Aero chocolates in Mint, alright..?" "Yes I will"

Arrived home two Wednesdays later and rang them. Bapak said "Mum's sleeping"

"Ok just to say that I'm back, and why didn't you wait for me to come back as promised ? You said you'd wait for me to get in before going back home ?”

"Entah la, Mak hang nak balik sangat.."

Thursday

"Mak buat apa ?"

"Entah tadi dalam bathroom. Nak get ready nak pray. Dah lambat, tadi she was lying down kat sofa in front"

2:30pm Friday

"Erm Bapak ni.. your mother.. her breathing's not so good la I can see ni…. Kalau Emma free, boleh balik tak ? But don’t rush, I’ll see her progress in the next couple of hours, and I’ll let you know.. yer ?”

"Aha.. ni memang plan nak balik this evening. I'll clear up and leave earlier then. I'll call you to let you know when I'm leaving ok ? I'll get Aman to pack dulu"

"Ok. Bapak pun ni baru balik sembahyang Jumaat, tadi makEncik nak suap bubur kat Mak, she doesn't want to eat saying she is too tired. I'm going to try pulak"

"Ok. Mak kalau tak makan nanti lagi la letih kan"

2:45pm Friday SMS

"Atam where"

"On my way back to Taiping. just left KK"

"k. Bapak called, me go soon as i fin thgs in ofc. keep me posted k"

"Right. When I get there I let u know what's status"

"k. am going back anyway"

3:35pm Friday

"Emma... Bapak ni................"

"Yeeessss……. Bapaaaaaak………?"

"Mak hang.. your Mother..."

"Naper.. ? What is it, Bapak ?"

"Habih dah. Mak hang habih dah. Your mother... habih dah... 3:30pm tadi... Ok yer ? Bapak nak call Ayah Pa bagi tahu"

"Bapak, are you alright ? Are you ok ? Who is there with you ?"

"makEncik and Kak Teh are here with Mak. Aku call Pa dulu yer ? Ok yerr..?"

"Ok Bapak.... ok... yes.. Bapak pergi lah call Ayah Pa"

click…..

and all the held-back emotions during the last few bits of the conversation came pouring out. bewilderment. grief. loss. confusion. emptiness. shock. and the howling came as if from afar, from an alien being. I watched and heard myself as if detached, and didn't recognise me. Bapak was alone to manage things. Mak didn't want anyone else there. She waited for Bapak to come home from Friday prayers, and she said her goodbyes, only with her one beloved. The only one who mattered most to her. For her children there were no goodbyes, farewell, be good... She has said it to us all through her life.

"It is against (the order of) nature for a child to go first, and we have lost two.." you wailed to Bapak before..

Mak, your youngest child misses you. I have absolutely no one now, as you decided to follow Nyah. You did soooo want to go and have been asking the Almighty for this for the longest time. And you finally got your call.. you hasten to go before someone else’s number is called..

The pacemaker is still ticking in the ground. "It is good for about 20 years’ of use, providing the patient does not operate a jack-hammer, which would bring the battery life down to about 15 years’"

Not short by any standards...

Ha ha... my friend just asked me about my blogger page..  And I had to say 'I have one ?' and asked HIM for the address !  Pretty lame is it not ?  Oh well, here I am again, finally.

I originally started this blog in October 2007, as a means of releasing my tensed thoughts and feelings. I had lost my sister - my only one - finally succumbing to cancer on May 12,2007,  and then mum decided she wanted to go along with her. She waited for dad to come home from Friday prayers before telling her heart to stop working.  Leaving me as the sole female of the family.  My dad sorely misses them both, and I make matters worse by not calling him up as often as he would like !  But I have my days, too. Days where i simply cannot bear to talk to anyone as it reminds me too much of times gone by.

I still ache at the thought of not being able to call them up and chat on my way to and from work.  I actually got myself a pretty expensive toy - a bluetooth headset so that i can easily chat with them on the phone while driving.  Sis would be in the morning - if I don't call her by 7:45am, she will call to and demand to know why I'm not yet on the way to work.  Mum's session will be at the end of the day, after work where I'll be updating her on the latest office gossip... and what my sis and I talked about in the morning !   She'll ask without fail as to why I'm still on the road, when it's past dinner time.  I usually make it a point to talk in theatrics, they love it and take it for what it was, embellishments of actual stories.

It's funny to have to talk of them in the past tense..  I still don't refer to them with the customary prefix of 'Aruah' (Departed) Mak or 'Aruah' Nyah... it's too weird.  It's a long way from that October, when I could barely speak of them without breaking down uncontrollably, I still have those moments.  Now I don't break down, but my heart just aches terribly every time I speak of them.

Trying to move on, and trying to start a blog with lots of non-sensical issues !  But there will be moments like these, definitely, where I will need to let my fingers express my thought and feelings. Until then, there it is !